MOTHER MEANDERINGS......

She was only at home with us for 45min before going to school. She is only 5. She is only in prep. But with that one cold stare she ruined my day, broke a little piece of my heart and has made me question my parenting techniques.. Who knew such a little person could wield such power? And probably unknowingly too...

She has never stared quite so coldly at me before and whislt I held my ground at the time, since she left for school I have been miserable and fighting back tears.

Nobody tells you, not even your parents, who have obviuosly faced the exact same dilema, what it is like to raise your chidren. When you are pregnant, everyone gushes and tells you how lovely it will be.. When you have a toddler, you might be a little smug...The disciplining seems relatively easy. Hallie never did anything remotely terrible and I thought I was doing a fabuluous job as a mother. Probably why I got pregnant again when she was just one!

But they go past the toddler stage...They get older and the disciplining goes on and on and on and on....This morning my life seems to be stretching before me in an endless tirade of it. It gets harder all the time.I say 'NO' constantly and their responses to this vary from door slamming to finger pointing to crying etc etc...Sometimes I literally cringe inside when I know I have to say that word.. My daughters rarely do what they asked the first time and whilst they obviously do NOT enjoy us raising our voices...we seem to have to...Just to get them to do what they are asked...This of course results in them screaming stamping, huffing and puffing and this morning from Hallie:

"The Death Stare.."

So as I write this I am imagining years and years of this behaviour and wondering if I am up to the challenge?? The stare at breakfast this morning, I realise is a new and 'improved' way for Hallie to effect me...and it scared me the most of any stunt she has pulled in response to being told off. It was like a veil had been pulled down and behind it she was mentally hating me...So I stared back. She went off to school quiet and withdrawn.

What if this is the moment she remembers????
My biggest fear is not being close to my children.....


Sidenote: As I type this my twin girls are playing happily behind me and I haven't had to tell them 'no' at all this morning!!